Wit Barton and Tony Snark Can't Stop
by Red Tigress
Summary: Clint and Tony can't shut up even when fighting a possessed Thor. No pairings, some whump. One-shot. Rated for language and some violence. Movie-verse.


_A/N: Well, I don't really know what to say about this except I always enjoy teammate infighting. Sorry if there are inaccuracies regarding Enchantress, I'm mostly familiar with her through the Avengers: EMH cartoon. I hope you enjoy it! Feel free to review, I love reviews._

When Thor turned around to face them, eyes glowing green and teeth bared in a vicious snarl, it occurred to Tony they may not have been prepared for this.

Tony reached out and yanked Clint out of the way of a hammer swing as Enchantress laughed from her hiding place somewhere in Central Park.

At least her body guard wasn't around. Which is probably why she now possessed Thor.

Both Clint and Tony dived to either side of Thor as he growled again and tried to swing his hammer into their ribs. "Thor, good buddy!" Tony shouted. "I thought you were immune to this sort of thing!"

"Obviously not," Clint seethed, letting loose an arrow aimed at their companion's wrist. The Asgardian easily blocked it with his hammer with a speed Tony didn't know he possessed. They heard Enchantress laugh again, which made Tony grit his teeth in frustration.

"Enchantress! It's the 21st century! Do you realize how far women have come?" Tony rocketed into the air, but Thor threw Mjölnir at breakneck speed towards him and he banked out of the way. "You must be the only woman who needs to possess a man to do her fighting for her in this day and age."

"But it's so _fun_," her voice echoed around them seductively.

"Let it go, Tony," Clint shouted up to him. "I don't think you can say anything about women's progressiveness anyway, since…well, you're you." Clint fired an arrow towards Thor and Tony's HUD picked up electricity radiating off of it.

"What does _that_ mean?" Tony snapped. "_You're_ afraid of Natasha trying to kill you while you're in the shower! What do you know about women?" Thor blocked Hawkeye's arrow again, Mjölnir absorbing the electricity.

"I know enough to not get chlamydia!" Clint snapped back, diving behind a large rock as Thor then threw Mjölnir towards him, roaring savagely. "Besides, if she find out we let Thor become possessed, she _will_ kill me."

Tony took Thor's moment of distraction to aim the repulsor on his right hand towards Thor's back. There was a whine as it began charging. "I do _not_ have chlamydia! You read too many tabloids. And, how can she not find out about this?" With a _FWOOM_, pure energy shot out of Tony's gauntlet, barreling into Thor and sending him into a face plant in the dirt twenty feet away. "Ooh, sorry buddy." Tony hissed. He landed on the ground near the rock Clint was now standing up from behind.

"Did you get him?"

With a grunt, Thor began pulling his hands underneath him to get to his knees.

"Uh, guess not. Shoot him! Shoot him quick!" Clint exhaled a breath of frustration, before pulling an arrow out of his quiver and knocking it onto the bowstring just as Thor stood up to face them. He pulled back the string to his face and then let it go just as quickly…

…to have it sail right past Thor's head.

"You missed!" Tony exclaimed in disbelief.

A deafening explosion rocked the air from behind Thor, making the Asgardian do another face plant and had Tony and Clint swaying on their feet.

"I'm the best marksman in the world. I don't miss," Clint seethed, turning to face Tony and give him a look of pure hatred.

"Then you should try flying a helicarrier into him next time," Tony said worriedly as Thor began to pull himself to his feet, albeit a bit slower this time.

"I'd like to see you try and fly a helicarrier into a target that's not more than six and a half feet tall!" As he said it Clint began running in the opposite direction of Thor looking for more cover.

"Well of course I could, because I'm a genius." Tony took up a ready stance as Thor began slowly stalking towards him.

Clint barked out a bitter laugh. "Not one for modesty, are you?" he shouted.

"Neither are you, 'I'm the best marksman in the world'!"

"Hmm, agreed." Clint mumbled under his breath, as he readied another arrow. "Don't move!" He shouted at Tony.

"What?" Tony didn't have time to elaborate on his disbelief as an arrow with a blunt head stuck itself into Thor's armor right over his chest. The Asgardian looked down in confusion for a moment before there was a hiss and a thick smoke quickly poured out from the arrow. Thor began coughing violently and Tony's HUD switched to smokescreen mode automatically, rendering the outline of the Asgardian in a bright green. Tony didn't need to be told what to do. "Jarvis, divert power to chest repulsor!"

"_Right away, Sir."_ Tony began to feel minutia vibrations in his chest as it hummed with energy before unleashing a powerful blast right into his blind, hacking friend.

Thor flew through the air, before Tony heard him land with a crashing and snapping of trees about a quarter mile away.

"_Powering down, Sir."_ Tony lowered his arms.

"Jarvis, do a scan for magical energy signatures."

"_There are multiple energy signatures which could indicate Enchantress' location. She is most likely utilizing a cloaking spell to hide her position."_

Tony rolled his eyes. "You're not helpful."

"_I do everything you ask me to, Sir. The results are just not always convenient for you,"_ the AI answered dryly.

Clint came up to him then, scanning the trees for signs of Thor or Enchantress. "Where's Banner? This seems like the sort of thing he'd enjoy," Tony said, turning towards him as the gold face plate lifted up.

"In Asia," Clint answered, a little peeved that Tony didn't know the whereabouts of his own team.

"What's he doing there?"

"Probably destroying it."

Tony had to snicker at that. "Jarvis, open a S.H.I.E.L.D. frequency." There was a small blip to let Tony know it had been done. "This is Iron Man. We need…uh, backup…I guess…Thor's been hoodwinked. He's down right now, but we also have Enchantress on the loose."

"_Roger that, Iron Man. Nearest unit is 10 minutes out."_

And then suddenly it felt like a semi had hit him. Tony's armor was ringing, his chest plate was compressing, and he was flying through the air.

Clint could only stare dumbfounded as Thor suddenly appeared next to them and hit Tony so hard he was flying about a story above the tree line.

As Thor turned his burning gaze on him, training took over. Clint pulled an arrow from the quiver on his back, knocked it and let fly, pulling the bow down as he released so he'd shoot Thor in the shoulder instead of between the eyes like he might have normally. It was sharp enough that it pierced his armor, but Thor ripped it out roaring as he advanced on Clint swinging his hammer. The smaller man dodged out of the way nimbly, but Thor had already brought it back for another pass and Clint stumbled forward as it clipped him in the back of the shoulder. He hissed and jumped backwards, but for the moment he was lucky it wasn't more than a bad bruise. He heard Enchantress laugh again.

"You should give up, Hawkeye…now that Odinson is mine, there is no hope for you." Clint growled and fired two more arrows in quick succession, one hitting Thor in the other shoulder, one in his thigh. Thor ripped them out and kept advancing as Clint kept backing up, giving up ground, and whittling down his arrow supply.

"You know, besides Thor, you're probably the most cliché person I've ever met. Tony!" he shouted in the comm link. "Tony, if you don't get your ass back here, I'm going to be the world's greatest smear on the sidewalk!"

Tony had blacked out for a minute, and was roughly awakened by both a damage alarm shrilling on his HUD and Clint's voice shouting in his ear. Luckily his suit was smart enough to lower the facemask for him on impact, or he might have an eye full of branch right now. Gears whirred as he lifted his arms out of the tree trunk he had sailed into. "Nyyyaagggg…so…all about you…is it?"

"Don't be a dick, Tony." Clint snapped back.

"_Power levels are down 40%," _Jarvis added helpfully. _"The chest piece armor is compromised."_ Tony reached up, feeling the huge dent where the left side of his chest piece had caved in against his ribs uncomfortably. _"Sir, you have three cracked ribs. Might I advise you to seek medical attention?"_

"Noted," Tony grunted, pulling himself up the rest of the way. He started panting hard and cringed in pain as he felt the sweat rolling down his face from the exertion. "Clint," he panted, rolling off the tree and falling the few feet to the ground with a thud. His cracked ribs protested and he lay there for a moment, just breathing. "Clint," he tried again. "There are…multiple energy signatures I need to….need to check…to see if they're her. Can you…distract him?"

"Are you out of your goddamn mind!" Clint shouted, dodging another hammer blow.

"Just for a few minutes. You ARE an Avenger." Tony shakily got to his feet, but the suit helped stabilize him. He fired up his thrusters. "Jarvis, locate those energy signatures." Several appeared on his HUD, and he rocketed off towards the nearest one. The imbalance broken chest piece made him list precariously to one side, and he tried his best to correct it flying at an angle. It wasn't perfect, but he plowed through the first energy signature. Nothing happened.

Clint, meanwhile, was using his bow to divert the force of Thor's swings by holding the limbs in both hands and pushing the riser against his wrist instead of his hammer. This had been working pretty well, with the exception of Clint not being able to go on the offensive, until Thor seemed to tire of it. Clint had just stopped Thor's strike closer to the ground when a huge, meaty fist came from his side and clocked him right in the ear. Clint staggered and dropped his bow, holding one arm out and one arm to his head as he listed to one side. He didn't see the Asgardian coming but he did feel it.

Clint struggled as the wrist of his left hand was grabbed and pulled away from his body and another hand settled to push his armpit in the opposite direction. He choked off a scream as a meaty _POP_ sounded, followed by mind numbing pain. He managed to twist away from the bigger man, panting heavily and left arm dangling limply as he stared the Asgardian down.

Tony had plowed through four energy signatures and was getting antsy. "Where the hell are you?" he snarled.

"_Sir, I have detected movement on one of the signatures."_ The HUD changed as the other signatures faded away, and the moving one was brought into focus.

"Why, Jarvis, I think she's trying to get away."

"_Indeed,"_ the A.I. replied as Tony sped towards what could only be Enchantress.

"Clint, I got her!"

Clint huffed. "Good thing, because I may be dead in a moment," he snarled.

"Don't be so dramatic."

Thor was bearing down on him, teeth bared, when all of a sudden he whipped around, and flew off towards the tree line. Clint heaved a sigh of relief before realizing that Enchantress knew Tony was on her ass. "Tony! You got incoming!" he shouted, as he ran painfully over to where he had dropped his bow, picking it up with his good hand and moving to follow.

Tony had stopped a few yards away from the energy signature, hovering in mid-air as his shoulder flares deployed. He as rewarded with a scream as Enchantress became visible, covering her eyes, but looking furious. Tony began firing up one of his hand repulsors again. She was still Asgardian and wouldn't go down easily. She opened her eyes to see Iron Man aiming at her, and her scream tore through the trees. "ODINSON!"

Tony's next thought didn't register (and neither did the proximity warning) as once again Thor was on him. They both collided with the ground and Tony found himself staring up from his back at his teammate as Mjölnir pounded into his already hurting chest. Then again. And again.

Glass shattered and metal folded in on itself as Tony's chest was slowly being crushed by an unforgiving supernatural force. He felt his cracked ribs snap, followed by a sharp, blinding pain his abdomen that nearly made him white out. Blood sprayed from his mouth onto the HUD.

Clint saw his teammates crash into the ground as Enchantress looked on. He dropped his bow on the ground for a moment, reaching over his shoulder and finding the arrow with the sharpest point and the strongest sedative available. Normally, he reserved it for Hulking out accidents, but it'd work for Asgardians as well. He leaned down, not sparing a glance as he heard the sounds of Mjölnir begin to ring off the Iron Man armor. Tony's pained grunts and moans over the comm only spurred him on. He knocked the arrow on the string, and then picked up the bow itself in his good hand. The arrow didn't fall off, and he leaned his head forward, gripping the knock and string with his teeth. Normally, the 60 pounds of force needed to draw the bow was done with his back and arm muscles. Keeping his right arm straight, his neck muscles and jaw screamed in protest at the misuse as he slowly pulled back. When the bow was fully drawn, he took only a moment longer to aim than usual, adjusting for the awkward positioning. Then he let fly.

The arrow struck true into Enchantress' chest, and she looked back at him, infuriated, before her eyes rolled into her head and she fell in a heap towards the ground.

Thor blinked away the fog that was clouding his brain, his surroundings slowly swimming into focus. He saw Iron Man below him, unmoving and chest piece crushed. "No, Stark!" He leaned down, trying to pry the faceplate up. He heard Tony cough once, weakly underneath him before he wrenched the plate up.

Clint ran up behind them, looking over Thor's shoulder as he spoke to S.H.I.E.L.D. about needing immediate medical attention, and a containment unit. Tony's eyes roved over both of them. "I really…hate Asgardians," he whispered. Thor gave a small smile of relief and then looked back towards Enchantress.

"Tony, I am very sorry. This should not have happened. I am…usually in more control of my thoughts."

"No shit!" Clint spit out. Thor then noticed Clint's arm, and guilt, which was plain before, seemed to now roll off his body in waves.

"Hawkeye, I apologize profoundly for my actions. I can help you with-"

"No thanks! I'll let S.H.I.E.L.D do it. At least know they have someone who's a trained doctor." Thor looked a little hurt before turning back to Tony, and trying to lift his chest piece off the injured man.

"Gentle,gentle,gent-GENTLEGENTLE!" Tony gritted his teeth and moaned through them in pain as Thor chucked the destroyed chest piece away.

They heard helicopters approaching and Thor gave a sad smile. "It is not many mortals who can say they have survived the might of Mjölnir and lived to tell the tale," Thor assured him with the praise.

"Thor, if my lung wasn't one…the verge of collapsing…I'd shove your hammer up your ass!" The effort left him winded and he fell back as Clint let out a guffaw and S.H.I.E.L.D. agents poured out of the trees.


End file.
